Who's On First?
As performed by Spock and Kirk
Kirk: You know Spock,
I love baseball. When we get to Vulcan, will you tell
me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them
I'll be able to know those
fellows?
Spock: Of course, Captain, but you know, strange as it may seems, they
give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names,
like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the Vulcan team we have Who's
on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
Kirk: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the
names of the fellows on the team.
Spock: Yes Captain. As I said, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't
Know is on third --
Kirk: You know the fellows' names?
Spock: Affirmative.
Kirk: Well, then who's playin' first.
Spock: That is correct.
Kirk: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Spock: Who.
Kirk: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
Spock: Who.
Kirk: The guy on first base.
Spock: Who is on first.
Kirk: Well, what are you asking me for?
Spock: I made no inquisitive statement. I simply told you who is on first.
Kirk: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
Spock: Yes, that is the man's name.
Kirk: That's who's name?
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: Well, go ahead and tell me.
Spock: Who.
Kirk: The guy on first.
Spock: Who.
Kirk: The first baseman.
Spock: Who is on first.
Kirk: Spock, have you got a first baseman on first?
Spock: Certainly.
Kirk: Then who's playing first?
Spock: Accurate.
Kirk: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who
gets the money?
Spock: Every bit of it. He does have a contract.
Kirk: Who does?
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: So who gets it?
Spock: Of course he does. Sometimes his spouse comes down and
collects it.
Kirk: Who's spouse?
Spock: Yes. After all the man earns it.
Kirk: Who does?
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: Well all I'm trying to find out, Spock, is what's the guys name on
first base.
Spock: No, captain. What is on second base.
Kirk: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Spock: Who's on first.
Kirk: That's what I'm trying to find out.
Spock: Try not to confound the situation by renaming the players.
Kirk: Spock, I'm not changing anybody!
Spock: Captain, there is no reason for such an emotional reaction.
Kirk: What's the guy's name on first base?
Spock: No, What is the guy's name on second base.
Kirk: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Spock: Who is on first.
Kirk: I don't know.
Spock: He is the third baseman.
Kirk: Spock, can you explain to me how could I get on third base?
Spock: You mentioned his name.
Kirk: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is
playing third?
Spock: No, Who is playing first.
Kirk: Spock, stay off of first, will you please?
Spock: As you request, Captain?
Kirk: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
Spock: What is on second.
Kirk: I'm not asking you who is on second.
Spock: Who's on first.
Kirk: I don't know.
Spock: He's on third.
Kirk: There I go back on third again.
Spock: Captain, I can't change their names.
Kirk: Spock, will you please stay on third base.
Spock: Please, Captain, what is it you want to know.
Kirk: What is the fellow's name on third base.
Spock: What is the fellow's name on second base.
Kirk: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Spock: Who's on first.
Kirk: I don't know.
Spock: Third base.
Kirk: Do you have an outfield?
Spock: Of course.
Kirk: Vulcan has got a good outfield?
Spock: One of the best.
Kirk: The left fielder's name?
Spock: Why.
Kirk: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
Spock: Well, I did just answer.
Kirk: Them tell me who's playing left field.
Spock: Who is playing first.
Kirk: Stay out of the infield!
Spock: I am not the one who brought up the infield.
Kirk: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?
Spock: What is on second.
Kirk: I'm not asking you who is on second.
Spock: Who is on first.
Kirk: I don't know.
Spock & Kirk: (together and calmly) Third base.
Kirk: And the left fielder's name?
Spock: Why.
Kirk: Because.
Spock: Oh he's Center Field.
Kirk: Center field, Spock?
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: Wait a minute. You have a pitcher on this team.
Spock: We have one of the finest pitchers in the quadrant.
Kirk: Tell me the pitcher's name.
Spock: Tomorrow.
Kirk: You don't want to tell me today?
Spock: Captain, I just told you.
Kirk: Tell me again.
Spock: Tomorrow.
Kirk: What time?
Spock: I do not understand the question?
Kirk: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Spock: Who is not pitching. Who is on --
Kirk: Spock, if you say "WHO'S ON FIRST!" I will send you to the brig.
Spock: Then why are you asking?
Kirk: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
Spock: What's on second.
Kirk: I don't know.
Spock & Kirk: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!!
Kirk: You have a Catcher?
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: The Catcher's name?
Spock: Today.
Kirk: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
Spock: Now you've got it.
Kirk: That's all. Vulcan has a couple of days on their team.
Spock: Well I can't help that.
Kirk: You know I'm a good catcher too.
Spock: You are not without your positive qualities.
Kirk: I would like to play for the Vulcan team.
Spock: I'm not sure I could arrange that...
Kirk: I would like to catch. Well, let's just assume-- I'm on Vulcan and somehow I've joined the team. Now I'm being a good Catcher,
tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
Spock: Hypothetically, we can discuss this.
Kirk: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I
want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the
ball and throw it to who?
Spock: Captain, you may be finally catching on.
Kirk: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!
Spock: Well, it's very simple.
Kirk: I have to throw it to first base.
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: Now who's got it?
Spock: Naturally.
Kirk: Who has it?
Spock: Naturally.
Kirk: Naturally.
Spock: Naturally.
Kirk: O.K.
Spock: I do think you understand now.
Kirk: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Spock: No, Captain. You throw the ball to first base.
Kirk: Then who gets it?
Spock: Naturally.
Kirk: O.K.
Spock: That is what I've been telling you.
Kirk: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Spock: Captain, you throw the ball to who.
Kirk: Naturally.
Spock: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
Kirk: That is all that I have said.
Spock: You did not.
Kirk: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
Spock: You throw it to who.
Kirk: Naturally.
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
Spock: No. You throw the ball to first base--
Kirk: Then who gets it?
Spock: Naturally.
Kirk: That's what I'm saying.
Spock: I beg to differ, Captain.
Kirk: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Spock: You throw it to Who.
Kirk: Naturally.
Spock: Naturally. Well say it that way.
Kirk: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
Spock: You are once again reacting with an excess of emotion.
Kirk: Who's getting emotional! I throw the ball to first base--
Spock: Then Who gets it.
Kirk: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!
Spock: That's it.
Kirk: Hrmmph.
Spock: Hrmmph?
Kirk: Now I throw the ball to first base, who ever it is grabs
the ball, so the guy runs to second.
Spock: Yes.
Kirk: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws
it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to
tomorrow -- a triple play.
Spock: That is one possibility, though the odds against it happening are three-thousand, eight-hundred and--
Kirk: Not now, Spock! Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center.
Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.
Spock: What did you just say?
Kirk: I said "I don't give a darn."
Spock: Why he's our shortstop!
Kirk: Spock!