Ask Julie!

This page is something new for me. It's an advice column. Or something like that.

Here's my first piece of advice: Don't listen to any of this.

It's meant for fun.

It's supposed to be entertainment.

Of course, answers don't often exist without questions. So it's up to y'all to send me questions.

The questions can be about just about anything. However, this isn't the place to ask me questions about me. There's another page for that, the Julie F.A.Q.. This is where you ask me about life, the Universe, and just about anything else.


  1. My life is a living hell. Give me advice. (9/19/97)

    -damned

    Have you considered moving to Burbank? While it wouldn't improve your life any, you'd probably fit in with everyone else much better.

  2. Everytime I come home, my dog rushes to greet me like every other normal dog. The only problem is... he gets VERY sexually excited. He doesn't hump my leg or anything, but he'll get a HUGE....well, you know what I mean. I'm starting to develop a complex about this, as he only does it to me, not to anyone else. I won't even change in the same room as him now!!! What should I do? (9/19/97)

    Well, wow.

    Never having had this experience personally, I'm not sure how well I can address it. But, possibly, your dog is doing what Freudians would call "transferrence." He can't express his sexual drives through traditional means, so he expresses them towards an inappropriate object of affection. On the other hand, this could be a cry for help, reflecting his need for intimacy. Perhaps you should get him a pet. Maybe a pot-bellied pig of some sort?

  3. So do you think Diana should become a saint? And who should get custody of Mother Teresa's children? (9/19/97)

    --Confused in Cambridge

    First, no, because then that tiara thing would be replaced by a halo, and it just doesn't suit her fashion sense and, (b) OJ Simpson.

  4. My question. Is it OK to mix my colors and whites? The colours are old. can I use Warm? (9/19/97)

    Segregation ended a long time ago. You can mix anything you want now.

  5. My boyfriend is going to leave on a trip. He says that he will be faithful to me while he is gone and he expects the same of me. The problem is that he will be travelling to Alpha Centauri at 99% sublight speed. While he will be faithful to me for a year and a half, I will have to be faithful to him for 124 years. Is this fair? (9/19/97)

    Signed,
    Not So Patient

    No. However, you should have known this was coming when he told you his planet of origin. You can't really expect an Alpha Centaurian to stay away from his home planet, especially given the low quantity of substance green-8/79 here. He'll have to go back once every few years, just to replenish his grbnk, otherwise his sssssskkrat will get all droopy, and if you had trouble staying faithful to him before, imagine how much trouble it will be after that!

  6. What do you do if you have a crush on someone but you don't know if they are in a relationship or not. Any subtle way to discern this information? (9/18/97)

    While some might go for the obvious answer of "ask," which on the surface seems to be the most rational and sensible approach, I prefer the less traditional approach of hiring a private detective. Sure, it can be pricy, but think of it this way: You'll be helping to stimulate the economy by adding to the revenue of 7-11 stores everywhere. Nothing says "I'll have some jerky, a super big gulp and a footlong" more than an all-night stakeout. And as an added bonus, they might just be hiring some barely post-pubescent boy who's into extreme sports. Then, he can get that bungee cord he's always wanted. That way you get to terrify parents, too, which is always a good thing in my book.